yesterday I deleted facebook. Again. Iv done it before and rejoined but only because I was organising a festival and felt I needed a presence online again. The print festival was in May, and now it’s June and I was still online. And found myself checking facebook everyday, when I wake up in the morning! Before I went to sleep! And it dawned on me how crazy this is, I wake up and reach my my iPad before my son would come in the room after waking up himself. Sometimes I’d have hold of my iPad when he came in, who am I kidding… Most of the time!
I had had a wake up call. I was sat in the bath, with my son! And I was on my iPad. This huge scene of an iPad was inbetween my son’s face and mine. I looked down and gazed for a moment at noah and he was just staring at me, almost in a trance or in confusion at what I was doing. And at that moment I felt ashamed. And I asked myself what am I doing? Is this something I want my child to see and to grow up with? Is this really the best person I can be? No it’s not. And it’s not something I’m proud of. And it’s not something I was doing that was being productive. I would also check on social media throughout the day, I don’t want to. I don’t want a peice of technology to be more important than my son or anything else for that matter.
Last night i went out, connected with a few people, joined in a shamanic circle and then a music night. I reached home and instantly felt, I can’t describe how I felt. Maybe it was lonely but it was also like a blockage, like I don’t know what to do now. I wanted to plug in to something. I wanted to connect and go on facebook. Why? I had just been out enjoyed my time and now I’m home I feel a bit lost before bed. So I spent last night online for a bit looking at blogs. Which again I’m not cool with, I mean I was tired! And I just felt I needed the Internet like a craving. Where does this world send us? Why do I feel the need to plug into it. I was fully aware of how I felt last night I even questioned myself but still I wanted to go along with that need to fill something and to plug into somewhere.
Are these withdrawal symptoms? Today I woke up and again, reached for my iPad. Is this becoming a ritual of my world? Noahs at his fathers! But still. I wanted to plug in, and I still feel a bit lost. Im sure this will pass. I remember when I last deleted Facebook I felt amazing, I felt free from having to go on. It was a relief. I don’t remember this phase, this feeling of lostness and wanting. Maybe I’m more aware of it now. This time I had started a new facebook and only became friends with the few I wanted as friends, it was different. I shared my blogs on there and inspirational things, and these thing connected with some like minded folk I had as my friends. So maybe facebook did more for me this time around. Even though it did, I still was fully aware that I had become addicted! Addicted to plugging in, and it had moved to the next level… I had started scrolling! Scrolling down my news feed in the bath! That just tipped me over the edge of accepting facebook into my reality.
So so now im blogging this morning, I hope this dosent become an addiction. Maybe I’ll set a time for when I come on! Maybe when Noahs in bed! Or on my days with out noah. I find myself thinking so what next? What will I do next. And if I sit with that I can feel it and know what I need to do. I know what I need to do next. It’s just now doing it, making a new routine and a new ritual!
Thank you for reading,