For fuck sake
3 days in
to the month again
and im drained.
No honey,
For april.
In guilt, In shame.
I wana be in a state- of abundance
Like the last few days.
I played a little…
Should i have scrimped and saved?
So i could have a little-
For the poundshop,
Aldli, lidl?
I’m not even in the middle.
I’m under the line.
In the sublime.
There’s non left.
I’ll spend the next-
3 and a half weeks
In lack.
The cycle begins again.
A part of me goes insane.
Bowing to the name
the system.
Thank you for giving me this ‘free living’…
I am barely living
I’v lived for 6 days-
Now the rents over due.
I blew
I stew- on ringing the online banking-
Automated system.
To tell me iv 40 pound left.
(after rent)
Till the next one.
(And i still owe my dad and my friend
from the last one.
And Nan for my whole life)
“But your not working?
What can u expect?”
“There’s people starving.
And YOU bought a Burrito,
and drink-
for 8 pound.”
That could have been 2 huge bags of lentils!
To feed you for the month.
Between heavens and hell.
It’s either one or the other-
and i know my mother-
Always provides for me.
But i just wanna be free
of the chains that keep me here,
In the barriers of money-
What barriers? So i’ll laugh cause its funny.
or i’ll cry.
Is laughing a lie?
I sigh.
Am i living a lie?
A pretend?
If life’s what i choose-
what part of me chooses this descent,
of security.
a ‘without’ reality…
I need some clarity!
Blinded by my empty bank account.
for the next- beautiful month.
I should save…
Or carry on breaking free from my- comfy cave.
but my head says- no way..
Live the moments as they come.
I’m done.
COME ON! What’s the lesson here?
Make it clearer!
Cause i obviously ain’t hearing it.
Feeling it.
-I do.
Living present-ly
Giving in to –
Coming and going,
Blowing freely.
Ever there-
I know I can reach for your,
Asking for help.
For the life “I’m choosing”
In this society I’m loosing.
Have i got to play their game?
Or change my name?
Go find a safer place-
To be a mother with my child-
(out of the fucked up system of school)
“You fool”
To be a single parent self employed-
making hardly any money,
relying on a system.
=To judge me.
To JUST get by.
A pretty lie?
That makes me look like-
I’m “scrounging” –
and lounging around.
I shouldn’t have to live in a country that asks me to be more than i am.
Making one road easier than the other.
Harder to be a “slacker”.
Choosing to home school+
Make art.
“That’s A HOBBY not a job- that’s your choice”
I hear your judging voice.
Projecting fear=
In hearts-
Wanting to open.
I’m hoping- for a tribe.
(to save me)
From being a slave in-
a fast life.
Growing on cows milk.
Eating honey-
I wanna live slowly.
In time with the land-
My hands-
WILL help create
In a free
Full + flourishing,
Soul purposefully!
Balanced with one another-
Together- mother, farther, sister, brother
Under a cover-
Of fertile rain.

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